Poor Alfred, half here, half somewhere else. During his lucid moments I find him so endearing. I'm posting his latest e-mail because it is his one connection to the outside world. I should disclaim that the Susan Lucci he's refering to below is the name of his departed pet hog. She was almost 400 pounds, but she had such a nice singing voice that no one mentioned her weight.
Dear Mrs. Boil—
I must confess that I’ve been off having lunch with Susan Lucci today and the courtesy title Mrs., used prior to a married woman’s surname, emerged out of nowhere as our topic of discussion. I found that it is a subject of great concern regarding your use of the word given that no one knows if you were ever married and furthermore no one among Susan’s circles daresn’t bring it up least a great offense might be taken (on your part dear, of course). Well, I just told her I had no hesitation whatsoever asking you such a question, given how close we are and all, and I marched out of the Silver Spoon Café and pulled my 1972 Vega into the parking lot of the nearest internet café. That’s what I did I tell you and that brings me to this letter that I am now typing. (The “help” here keeps pestering me with requests to bring me a Cup-o-Jo. Can’t they tell from looking at me, hair and all, that I daresn’t—my word of the week, which isn’t a real word but anyways—take such a substance into my nervous-laden-over-stimulated-body? Well, I’d be up for weeks, even months if it happened during one of my manic phases. We won’t even get into what it would do during one of my depressive episodes as that is a story for another day. Do I really have to sip caffeine in order to use their computers? As if I don’t have my own laptop. Don’t these servers know they are a must have household item these days? Honestly.) Could you kindly respond to me so that I can clear the potential damaging confusion lest your image among the Lucci-ites become tarnished? Should the Mrs. be a clever acronym for My Raccoon Sisters you can tell me and I promise not to laugh, although I always enjoy a good laugh. We can always carefully craft a message back to Lucci that will not be damaging or embarrassing. In fact, might I recommend that we just tell her that you were married and that the particulars are none of her darn business? On second thought that might cause more gossip and chaos amongst these folks. Let’s just get it out and make a full disclosure MRS. Boil or whoever you are. I’m really starting to get irritated with you here. Well, I’m off to have lunch at the Silver Spur in France with one of my oldest and dearest friends. (It’s really Francis, Utah but don’t you think France sounds much better than telling others you are having lunch at a bar up near Kamas? I do. Image is everything now you know.) I’ll be waiting.
Sincerely yours,
Mr. Alfred Newspickle
